Love Buzz 001: w/ Queenie Sateen

"Do you believe in old souls?"

Welcome to the first edition of LOVE BUZZ!

Love Buzz is a collaborative sex, love and relationship forum - a spicy advice column - and a place for me to do one of my favorite hobbies–hashing out the nitty gritty details of someone else’s sex and love life–with the help of some of my favorite people. For our premiere episode, I invited the inimitable Queenie Sateen to be my co-host.

Queenie Sateen and I met at a club in Las Vegas during a Brazzers afterparty for AVN (the so-called “Oscars of Porn”) where she shared her Coca-Cola flavored vape with me. I already knew who she was, and had been following her storied exploits as a NYC club kid for many years before she entered the porn industry. Her band, Sateen, with her now ex-wife Ruby, was a fab disco-pop meets queer performance art sensation and the couple had long been a fixture of gay New York nightlife. When the band split, Queenie set her sights on a new dream: move to LA and become a porn star. It was a pursuit that she was remarkably efficient at achieving – within a year she had shot for all the biggest studios, won multiple industry awards including Best New Starlet and Best Song (an award I didn’t even know they gave at porn awards!!), and eventually landed the esteemed position of being a Pornhub Ambassador.

Now, she’s in the midst of a second crossover: returning to the music business as a solo artist. Her first single, Downfalling drops in TWO days on 6/27! It’s dreamy, layered, electronic pop with Queenie’s sultry pipes on top. Not to be missed.

Queenie is our generation’s Cosey Fanni Tutti. She’s making art of life and life of art and you can’t always tell where the performance ends or begins…or if there is even a difference between the two. Plus, she always seems to be having more fun than anyone else doing it. She’s a glam sex symbol seductress at the top of her game and it was an honor to answer these reader questions together. We cover the phenomenon of the man child and the old soul, how to get what you need from a partner in the bedroom, Angela White JOI videos, and the skills necessary for 21st century phone sex (a.k.a. Facetime sex) among other things (spoiler: this won’t be the last we hear from Queenie on Love Buzz).

And now, without further ado…the juicy stuff.

Female, mid-30s, I’m currently hooking up with a much older man and a zoomer. How do I stop thinking about the age gap? Is a partner’s generation any indication of what kind of lover they are or their attitudes about sex?

-The Agony and the (Gen) X to Z…

QUEENIE SATEEN: Oh, my goodness. Well, first of all, as someone in an age gap relationship myself, it is hard to shake the feeling that this is a thing.

ESRA SORAYA PADGETT: What's your age gap?

QS: My age gap is 13 years..No not 13…12 years. But I'm the older one, and I've always been the younger one in my life. What is their age gap?

ESP: We don't know but she's in her mid 30s, and she’s dating a Zoomer and an older guy, let’s just say a Boomer.

QS: So she's in her 30s and he's in his 50s.

ESP: Yeah, I would have to guess that the age gap is bigger between her and the older man than it is between her and the Zoomer, right?

QS: For sure.

ESP: I'm in an age gap relationship too, and it's seven years and I'm older. This is my first relationship like that too. And I don't want to jinx it, but it's also my most successful relationship. It's really working for me. So, I don't think that alone should prohibit anyone.

QS: Absolutely not. I think it's more about the person you are and the experiences you've had that have guided you thus far in your life and if that's aligning with someone else, even if they're earlier in their life, or later in their life than you. As long as everyone is mature adults, I think age gaps shouldn't be a thing. It's kind of dumb that it has this stigma. And it's hard to shake being the older one now, because I think it's also what you're used to, right? If you're used to dating someone your age, then you make it a big deal. But I think some of us have been dating older ever since it was probably not appropriate-like myself.

ESP: Yeah, me too. I'd be curious about this person, if they're thinking about the age gap, and they’re saying, “How do I stop thinking about the age gap?” I wonder, are you thinking about it more with the older man or the zoomer? Because I would guess it would be the zoomer, right?

QS: I think as a society, we definitely have this norm of the older man and the younger woman is okay, but if you reverse that, then there's something taboo about it. But I think that's dumb.

ESP: Yeah.

QS: So wait… She's trying to choose between the older guy and the younger guy? She's dating both of them and she’s asking us which one is better… Girl, why are you asking? You have a whole little pu pu platter right now, like a charcuterie board of age differences! You tell me!

ESP: You know, they say that peak sexual maturity for a woman is at age 32 and for a man is at age 18. So that is like an ideal sexual match in terms of sexual “appetite,” whatever that means. But let's just go through the pros and cons. I would say older men can be more secure about themselves, and that can come off in many ways, including sexually, and that can be cool-

QS: And when you're older, you have more experience.

ESP: And that can be helpful in terms of wanting to be led through an experience. But not everyone wants that, and at a certain point when you’re more experienced yourself, you don't really need that anymore. On the flipside, dating someone who's younger, who has a shit ton of energy and horniness and wants to fuck you all the time can be pretty good too.

QS: Keep fucking both of them.

ESP: It's also a question of what you are looking for.

QS: Yeah, it's so much more about who you are enjoying more, you know? Do you believe in old souls?

ESP: I think I do.

QS: I think that's the thing too, right? Because the old dude could be kind of a baby, and then the young dude could be old and sagely…

ESP: That’s so true. And honestly, this is actually my younger guy tea… I never really thought it about because I never dated younger and I just kind of thought that men were a certain way, and that way is that they're always looking for younger women, which is the stereotype. But even when I was with guys my own age, I had the sense, especially in my 20s, that I was always on the brink of aging out and there was always going to be a 22 year old that would catch the eye of my partner or whatever. But younger guys, especially ones that date older women or even only date older women, they're not looking down. They're not looking for what's next. And the security of being with someone like that is so cool and hot and makes them way more attractive. I mean, my boyfriend, when I catch him checking a woman out, it's a woman twice my age, and I'm like, that's cool, because instead of feeling completely unattainable to me, it feels like-

QS: You're just gonna keep getting hotter to him. I know. It's hard to wrap my head around it because I'm still so ageist towards myself. And I'm like, “How could you want to be with someone older?” I always forget that's part of the reason why he likes me. I have to tell myself to stop. It's like, I need to stop being weird about it. It's the opposite of what we're trained to feel about ourselves and aging as women. We always feel like we're aging out of a job or an opportunity or a relationship. I remember hearing someone say, “Oh yeah So-and-So needs to get famous with her band before she's 26 because after you're 26 you’re chopped liver.”

ESP: Yeah, my friend told me to start lying about my age when I was 24 so that I could beat the clock or whatever. And I was like, that's crazy.

QS: And you know what? I still lie about my age, even though it's all over the internet. Because it's fun! I lied about my age the other day at the spa, I said I was born, like, six years earlier.

ESP: I'm really into making people guess my age these days. Another thing though, in thinking about the age gap, is we often presume things are different about us, that in fact, are totally not. In my relationship, every once in a while, there's a cultural reference where I'm like, oh yeah, we're in different decades. But there were all these things that I thought “Oh yeah, he's a new generation,” but I was just assuming all this stuff that wasn't true. It's better to just pretend that it's not there and then see if it ever does come up. It's rarely relevant.

QS: When you're sleeping with someone or in a relationship, if there are differences between you they always make themselves apparent. And you just can't let it bother you.

ESP: Do you ever feel like your man doesn't know what you're talking about because of the age gap?

QS: He didn't know who Cher was. We were in the shower. I was like, “You don't know who Cher is?!” And I started doing Cher impersonations, and then I made him watch Witches of Eastwick and listen to a bunch of Cher. And now he's obsessed with Cher.

ESP: Yeah, my guy didn't know who Alanis Morrisette was. So I made him listen to Jagged Little Pill.

QS: Oh, so good. Did he like it?

ESP: I think so. But it's so core to me. I don't think he's really jamming it on his own.

QS: Jagged Little Pill is so good.

ESP: That's my karaoke go-to. Anyway, the more I actually think about this… I feel like, who's to say who these guys are? Maybe the younger one is like a super newbie to sex and the older one could be super suave in the bedroom, and maybe that's what she's looking for. But one thing I would think about with an older guy, which I think people don't think about enough, is why are they dating a younger woman? Why do they want that? And do they only date younger?

QS: It's an orange flag, or a red flag. Like, why are you fucking someone so much younger? Like, why aren't you with a woman your age?

ESP: And again, it's a maturity level thing.

QS: And then maybe that's the guy that you're gonna age out of, right?

ESP: You might be more mature than him already. Yeah…so I'd go with the Zoomer.

QS: Yeah. From two women with younger boyfriends, we say choose the younger man.

ESP: Totally impartial.

I think my male lover is too feminine in bed for me. For some reason, I feel nothing when he goes down on me, and in the past, that hasn't been the case with other lovers. Are we doomed? I am turned on by a more manlier man, but I also love him. He seems really gay. Am I “crapfitting” as the crappy childhood fairy on YouTube would say?

-(Un)comfortably Numb

QUEENIE SATEEN: Ok so first… he seems gay, but he's going down on you. So, my instinct is he's definitely not gay. Maybe he's bi, but if you're already saying you love him, this is something that it sounds like maybe you guys have to communicate with each other. If you're not feeling anything when he's going down on you, maybe you have to tell him to go a bit harder, or be a bit more specific with how you want him to use his mouth and tongue. What do you think?

ESRA SORAYA PADGETT: I'm curious what male and female are standing in for here. Is that like, sub and dom? Because if you're into “manly” guys, and you started dating this guy to the point that you love him, he must not seem that feminine outwardly. It starts off by saying, “He's too feminine in bed for me.” So I'm just wondering, is he sub? Is he just kind of soft? Is he scared? Is he inexperienced? And are those things being equated with being feminine, maybe? Because in that case, there's a lot of things that could be fixed here.

QS: Also, maybe it's a you thing, maybe it’s your expectations of him or what you're projecting into the dynamic. I've definitely had the experience before where the kind of energy that you're projecting into sex is gonna make the other person react. It's a seesaw, right? If you have male energy, or masculine energy, or like toppy energy, the seesaw is going to go up, right? So if you want the energies of the two of you to be more balanced, maybe you have to go somewhere up so they can go down or somewhere in the middle. Does that make any sense?

ESP: Yeah, I mean, I think you're right in saying, this is a trap that we all fall into. The expectations that we place on our partners and the assumptions that we have about them, and sometimes it's best to ask what could you do in this situation that would change it?

QS: Do something to feel more submissive. Or communicate. Ask for more aggressive energy and maybe that's something that they have to get used to. You could just gauge their comfortability with that, with being more toppy or more aggressive… like, if you like to be choked, or have your hair pulled, or stuff like that. Maybe those things will make you feel more of a masc energy from your partner in bed. But I think it's a discussion that you guys have to have, and you have to just be honest and say, “Listen, I'm feeling like I want you to be more of a top.”

ESP: I mean, I'm still confused. I still wonder if there's a mismatch between the way this guy presents and how he is in the bedroom. If it's not a mismatch, then you must love the way he dresses, the way he carries himself, so if he's feminine or “seems gay” or is bi, or whatever, those are things that you either knew already and are attracted to at some level, or there’s something else going on. And the crap fitting thing—which I looked up and essentially is a term that describes when someone, usually with childhood trauma, tolerates unhealthy or unacceptable situations as a kind of coping mechanism and thus continues a pattern of shitty relationships in their adult life—that seems so out of place here, because this person isn't being treated poorly in any way. They're just not getting what they want, and maybe because they're not expressing it.

QS: Yeah. I don't know what this has to do with crap fitting, but maybe you just didn't really learn how to communicate, like most of us when we were growing up, and maybe it's time, especially if you're in love with your partner, and you're feeling this way about your sex life. Sex is important. And if you're in love, you definitely should feel, even if you're not there yet, you should feel comfortable enough to ask for what you want in bed. It's worth being uncomfortable and saying the thing, maybe even saying it wrong and just having the conversation, as opposed to not having the conversation.

ESP: Yeah, totally. And if this is really a soft, gentle, maybe even queer, guy potentially, or on some kind of spectrum, it's okay if she's not into that, but someone else would be. There are plenty of people in this world and he'll be fine. So don't hold on to him just because you’re scared or you don’t want to hurt him because you love him. That doesn’t make sense. The only way you're really going to be doomed is if you are in a relationship where you aren't being honest about the way you feel about someone. And if you do love them, they also deserve to be sexually matched with someone who appreciates them.

QS: You could always just be like, “Are you into guys?” or like, “Are you queer?” You could just ask. The first time I met my boyfriend, I asked him if he was gay. I was like, “Are you gay? You seem gay.” He was like, “No.” You don't have to make something work just to make the other person feel comfortable or happy. But it's another conversation you need to have about where you guys are, how you're feeling, if you're feeling satisfied with each other. And I think, even if it sounds harsh or there's a possibility that someone could get defensive and feel like they're being attacked or accused of being something or seeming a certain way, usually, these conversations go so much better than you think they will. And people are just glad to have been asked, especially if your partner is feeling repressed sexually or gender wise. People that are feeling that way usually just want someone to see it in them, so they can accept it about themselves.

ESP: Yeah, and hopefully he's not just someone who is really bad at giving head, but that can be fixed too.

I’m going to start having phone sex with a guy I met on Feeld. We met in person and there’s chemistry but still don’t know each other that well. Now he’s gone out of state before we had the chance for an IRL hookup, but I don’t want to let the excitement die. Any phone sex tips for beginners? What about if your first sexual experience with a partner is on the phone?

-Banging on the Telephone

QUEENIE SATEEN: Ok, maybe this is weird, I don't even know if this is good or bad advice, but maybe before you do it, you guys could talk about what you guys like a little bit? I don't know if that's a conversation that was already had, but I think it might help it be a better experience if you guys are on the same page about what each other are into and like what turns each other on.

ESRA SORAYA PADGETT: I feel like people on Feeld often do that, or at least are more equipped to do that kind of stuff. So, it's definitely possible that they already have. Phone sex is interesting because it’s an in-between, between a sexual encounter and a solo encounter… because you are alone, but you're not alone, but ultimately, you are, at least physically. And so it's important to bring that into it a little bit in terms of asking yourself: What if this was just your world, and this person was just a vehicle, and you were just trying to jerk off, what's the dynamic that you would need to get there? Do you want to be in control of talking about what's going on? Do you want to be led? It's also cool, because you have control over the visibility of yourself and your body.

QS: I was thinking about that too, because I was just thinking about a phone call, but are they going to be having FaceTime sex? That’s different, it's a little bit of you're giving a show to each other. That can feel so different from when you're in person with someone, when you start making out, it unfolds organically, everything happens, and it feels good, and like hot or whatever. But when you're two people talking and on FaceTime it’s like, what do we show? What do we say? It's a bit more performative. But that's okay.

ESP: And I think it brings the voyeur/exhibitionist question into it. Which isn't always necessarily there when you're in person having sex with someone, it can be part of it, but it's not always. Are you watching or being watched? I think guys jerking off is hot, but you can also have the excitement of your own exhibitionism, where you’re barely even looking at what they're doing, but you know they're really turned on by watching you.

QS: And they are like begging you to take your panties off and stuff.

ESP: Haha, yeah. In those cases, too, it's not a symmetrical exchange, as in, it’s not the same for both people. There are roles.

QS: And you’re just turned on by your own experience in your body.

ESP: Yeah, totally. I feel like maybe you have experience from making porn and content where I would imagine you are being very verbal. Do you have tips about that?

QS: I mean, it's so funny, because before I started performing on camera, I definitely was not vocal. I was a loud moaner, but not like a mouthpiece in bed, you know? And sometimes I'll take the things that I’ve learned when talking in a porn and I'll use them and they become tools. Because I think, obviously it depends on who you're with, but I think these verbal cues can turn people on. It can turn me on to hear myself talk like that. So if you are watching a porn that turns you on, and if there's verbal things that either one of them is saying that are turning you on take note of that and remember that. Angela White was a really big one for me, like listening to the way that she talks to men in all of her porn, but especially her JOI [jerk-off instructions] videos. Angela White JOI is so hot, she's so like sensual and also, I don't know if it's her accent, but like, the way that she describes things and the way that she inflects her voice and stuff is less vulgar and more sensual, like titillating, which I enjoy. So, I've taken some things that I say from her, from watching her. So, yeah, maybe listen to some Angela JOIs.

ESP: Mimicry is the highest form of flattery. I also want to say that it’s really normal to feel awkward when we're saying things that we've never said before, especially when we know we've heard other people say them. But that is one of the best paths into this kind of stuff, as you said. It's like trail markers that have been left for you, and eventually you start to make up your own stuff, maybe, once you get to that comfortable place. But it's not weird to have a couple stock things that you're just repeating.

QS: Ones that you like the sound of, yeah. Maybe practice them in the mirror. The more that you feel comfortable being verbal about sex and talking about sex, the more it's going to come from a real place in you.

ESP: And then as a total counterpoint, I also think you can have fun sex with almost no talk at all. And when you do have crazy chemistry with someone, you often don't have to do a lot of work. Sometimes the fact that you are having phone sex is awkward or weird, and both people are unsure, but the chemistry is so strong it doesn’t matter, which sounds like it is in this case.

QS: Yeah, you're not going to be thinking that much at all, because nothing is hotter than the anticipation of before, the beginning of a relationship, thinking about what it's going to be like to fuck someone and thinking about them all the time, limerence or whatever, that is the hottest thing.

ESP: I think there's something to be said about that early relationship, just like palpable chemistry with someone, where you feel the anticipation, just from standing next to them, entering their apartment, or whatever, picking up the phone call in this case.

QS: Yeah, girl, you’ll be fine!

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